june seventeen.
to feel like nothing is a wild expirence. this is not the type of nothing that many use to gain sympathy (wether they need it or not). For me, its a phsyical thing. Its a lack of feeling like a human. Best I can discribe it is:
IMAGINE:
You are an earthwurm that lived your entire life as expected. You lived in dirt, had an earthwurm family, even pertook in some earthwurm affairs with your earthwurm mistress. Lets say after having very un-passionte sex with your earthwurm wife (due to at this moment in time, it being a lovless marraige), you fall asleep.
Than you wake up. A boy. A boy with a family of his own. Named Zephyr. You are unsure of your surroundings. Yes, this life feels very real, but you have already had a life. Was that previous life not real? Just a dream? No. You were an earthwurm. Your sure of it. But now you are a boy. You have all the memories a boy should have. The easiest option is to accept you are a boy. Accept your new non-earthwurm way of life.
so, thats how i feel every morning. as zephyr. Even now, i’m on a family vaction. A european vacation, in austria at the moment. Somdays i’ll wake up not just thinking im a wurm, but forgetting that i have shaved my head a couple weeks previous. I used to be known for my hair. before we were dating, my girlfriend called my crazy hair iconic, though in our later months of dating it was clear she had grown much tired of the constant upkeep that my hair required. I think thats partly why she was the one to shave it.
So why can’t i enjoy anything that has been put infrount of me? I cant enjoy this darn trip to austria for example, mostly due to all the people here being nazis. But im not being fully clear with you why i’m like this. You don’t fully know that i struggle with a DISSOCIATION DISSORDER. Thats the wurm. Thats the thing that looms over me every day. I’ve tried to beat it many times. Theres so many people on reddit with advice on how to shake these earthwurm thoughts. Many said just to stop thinking about it, cause thinking about it once can just dig a hole in your brain that can be an entrance for more earthwurms. I tried that for a while, I couldnt shake the thoughts. Im sorry. So here I am, my brain shitting in my mouth metaphorically. Eargwurms eating and digging in my brain. There must be some way to get out of this, but for right now I can just make a cool website.
